Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Fidel Castro was alive?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.