Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔