Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
this is uni
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.