when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You Might Also Like
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.