me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
You Might Also Like
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.