Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?