Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
You Might Also Like
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.