burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My patience has stretch marks.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game