[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross