ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.