I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Just this preview of the story is enough
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell