[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*