[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
just witnessed a drug deal
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
What my back needs
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.