i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
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Jail
Software Development ⛵️
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”