My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
ready to be harvested
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in