While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky