How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Feel. He’s so soft.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.