If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.