Banking tips
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.