*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Feel. He’s so soft.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*