When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak