If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Breaking news:
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”