Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You Might Also Like
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
North and South
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time