[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
my dad when a sex scene comes on