In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You Might Also Like
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”