I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Heroic Misunderstanding
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.