Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
some Old Testament wisdom
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.