James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you