My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too