Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
fly smarter, not harder
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
A drum solo but on your face.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.