ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo