A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.