Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw