My dog learned how to text
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit