*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
got so much cardio in today
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics