twitter is a journey
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.