There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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We’ve come full circle
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.