one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
And then there were 4