If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the