My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush