Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.