WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Only Americans understand
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.