Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.