Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up