{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Going into Monday like
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”