the icebreaker
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.