9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
You Might Also Like
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Sharon, call the vet
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
same vibe as tangled headphones
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage