Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You Might Also Like
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
What personal space?
My dog
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.