Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
this was the best i’ve ever seen
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.