Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing